I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.