If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
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Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The photographer’s assistant
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z