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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found