[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.