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A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Confused owl: What?!
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals