For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.