He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Think I pulled my liver
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Okey dokey.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*