every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.