Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on