It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Remember folks 😂
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable