The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Jogging
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list