Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
You Might Also Like
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
This is amazing.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.