in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
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“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start