[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The Assassin.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud