1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume