“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Breaking news:
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive