Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Nomnomnomnom
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.