Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*