*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’d hang this in my house.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.