What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun