i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
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First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves