You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnโt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ๐๐ ๐ป๐
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“Why you watching this shit?”
Donโt judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughterโs night stand.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What do you mean your โwater brokeโ? Did the H2 fall off the O?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: Itโs pretty isnโt it?
3yo: Yeah, itโs your favorite color.
Me: No, thatโs not my favโ
3yo: Yes it is
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I donโt have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if heโd like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
โWill you make something for the bake sale?โ The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
โOh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,โ I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: โAnd that time it wasnโt even on purpose.โ
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning