Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
🤣🤣🤣
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise