If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
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[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
This is the best one I’ve seen
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Potatoes were such a good idea
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.