HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10