Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.