I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?