Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?