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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed