Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL