SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You had me at “define legal”.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim