things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Well, that should do it
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.