Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life