WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.