I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.