A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did