seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Venn
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.