Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.