Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
#SuperBowl
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s