Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Found my door mat
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..