[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You Might Also Like
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes