Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
You Might Also Like
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?