If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I missed you with all my darts
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion