Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I wish I were this cool 😂
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.