If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
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You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.