It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.