7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
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[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.