“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not