(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
He’s cranky this morning
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.