Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.